Epic Fail

Wow, I really have no explanation as to where the last two months went. Well, I do, but it mostly involves a lot of whining about how busy I have been including the usual law school excuses plus family, friends, vacation, etc. Also it involves shame. I had such high hopes for this year and for getting myself into shape and keeping it that way. Instead, life got the better of me, again. But the year is not over, we are only in month 4 of 12 and I am determined that I can still make these goals happen. So, I am recommitting myself back to my list and back to making this happen.

Part of the reason that I really want to make these changes is because I am getting ever so close to being an official grown-up in my mind. I turn 24 in August, which for me has always been a special age. To me, 24 has always sounded so adult, like by that point in my life I would have a really clear path forward. I am not sure if by August I will have a really clear path but I will be beginning the last year of graduate school which means just a few short months until I graduate for the last time. (At least for the foreseeable future, I still have ultimate goals that include a PhD!) And by then I want to feel like I am really ready - mentally, emotionally, physically - to be finished with the academic portion of my life and into the career portion of my life.

So here is the official update on the resolutions:

1. Lose 20 Pounds . . . And Keep It Off for a Year
I am sitting at 142 right now. I imagine this number would be worse except I got a disgusting stomach flu last week and stopped eating for a few days and I have just recently got my appetite back to normal. I am really struggling to decide how to get back on the diet/exercise wagon. I am pretty good at motivating myself to exercise which I know accelerates my weight loss. This is helped by the cable TV at the gym and that I really love to lift weights. Also, I get such a feeling of accomplishment after a good workout that instantly feels good. What never feels instantly good to me is depriving myself of food.

I know that the best and fastest way for me to lose weight is to get my diet under control. But it is the area most difficult for me. I love food. I love sharing meals with people, I love cooking, I love talking about food, I love watching TV about food, I love planning what I am going to eat. I know this love of food originated from the fact that my mom is a really great cook and my family has always enjoyed eating and celebrating together. I know that I eat when I am happy (to celebrate), when I am bored (to do something), when I am sad (to fill me up), when I am stressed (to have control over something), and when I am showing off (I can eat inordinate amounts of food competitively). But despite knowing all this about my obsession (that was hard to admit) with food, I seem to be unable to curb my eating. Granted, I am not obese so clearly I am not an out of control eater. But, for me, I have such a hard time cutting myself off. I seem to be able to rationalize every scoop of ice cream, piece of bread, hunk of cheese.

This is how it goes in my head:

“I really should not eat ice cream tonight.”

“But this is coffee ice cream – it will keep me up to finish my homework.”

“That is silly, you should just have a cup of coffee.”

“But, I really do have a lot of homework to do. And I had a really stressful day.”

“Just one scoop won’t be a big deal.”

And so I have it. I seem to think that I am entitled to eat the ice cream because of how “stressful” my life is. But, considering the fact that I live by myself, don’t have a job, never worry about paying my bills (thanks federal loan money!), have everything I need and more, you would think I have it pretty easy. And in reality, you are right. I even know you are right.

All this said, I am really not looking forward to getting back on the South Beach Diet. I think it might be time to try a different approach, something that is focused more on cutting down food amount than just avoiding ‘bad’ and sticking to ‘good’. If you have any good ideas, please let me know!

2. Pray Everyday
I have been resorting to last minute nightly prayers before falling asleep. And despite how short and sweet they are, when I actually get through the full prayer before conking out I do notice a much more peaceful night of sleep and next morning. This past week I think that I have been really over caffeinating myself and have been having a really hard time falling to sleep. Not being able to sleep at night is rarely a problem for me and so I think what I am going to make myself do is get up instead of lying there and try to pray for longer. I am also going to institute a prayer list that will sit by my bed that will pick out specific things to pray for each night of the week.

3. Blog at least Once a Week
I think we all know how bad this one was. Apologies!

4. Stop Biting My Nails
This is still a problem. I ran out of time to get to the nail salon and treat myself to manicures so after I stopped biting my nails, they got long and gross and then I ended up biting them again. Vicious cycle. I am treating myself to a manicure on Monday afternoon after my last class for the year! Then I am challenging myself to make it through finals without biting my nails. (which has never ever happened).

5. Stop Cussing
This was the one resolution that I conquered pretty quickly. However, once I stopped making this a conscious choice I have definitely noticed some of these words coming back in. So, it is back to the original plan in January of really making myself slow down when talking and focus on putting together sentences that don’t need cuss words for emphasis. Just when you think you have something figured out – you slip!

6. Make One Frugal Decision a Week
I have spent a lot of money on clothes lately. I have a GAP credit card which lets me get free shipping and a pretty consistent 30% discount on everything. Which lets me rationalize buying new shirts on a fairly regular basis, without even taking the trip to the mall. I think cute new clothes make me feel better about the fact that I still have not lost the weight I wanted to. However, I feel that in other ways I have been making some good choices about expenses and trying to plan more effectively. I think my next obstacle is to hide my GAP credit card (and delete the cache on my browser which automatically remembers the number on gap.com).

7. Go on Dates
Bobby and I spent a totally amazing week in Rome over Spring Break. I literally packed to go in like 30 minutes because I was so busy with planning and executing a charity Silent Auction fundraiser the week before we left. But, it was awesome and the weather totally cooperated and all of our accommodations turned out great! It was so nice to have a whole week of Bobby all to myself and to be in such romantic city. We went to a lot of great museums, rode bikes on the Appia Antica, explored Pompeii and spent the afternoon in the Borghese Gardens. This week basically made up for all other weeks where we have not been able to take the time and go on a date. However, it is been a while since we got back and I think we need to reinstitute date night again.

8. Expand My Pallet
Hmmm. Still have made very little progress with this one. I doubt much progress will be made until after finals. So hopefully I will get started on this one in a couple of weeks.

9. Be More Emotionally Honest
I was super cranky this past weekend and it really reminded me that I had made a promise to get better at being able to tell those around me why I am upset and what is bothering me. And although I resorted to sending an apologetic/explanatory text, I did admit to some insecurities that I was having about major life decisions that are beginning to loom. Indecision often makes me act like a crazy person and thus cranky. But, I instead of letting myself be cranky for way longer, waiting for people to mind-read and fix things, I did finally communicate to those around me. The new system is way better for everyone but still something I would like to work on.

10. Be Available to Friends and Family

This is the only area where I feel like I have made some progress. There are some people that I have neglected a little bit and need to reach out to again. But, I think that I have been way better than I used to about picking up the phone calls and responding to emails, etc. I am hoping this summer to really get the chance to go out more on nights/weekends or take the time to have a long phone call.

So, time to get back to the grind. But, here is hoping my 10 in 10 gets back on track! Thanks for sticking with me and encouraging me despite my obvious failures. I am very blessed to have so many awesome people in my life.