Epic Fail

Wow, I really have no explanation as to where the last two months went. Well, I do, but it mostly involves a lot of whining about how busy I have been including the usual law school excuses plus family, friends, vacation, etc. Also it involves shame. I had such high hopes for this year and for getting myself into shape and keeping it that way. Instead, life got the better of me, again. But the year is not over, we are only in month 4 of 12 and I am determined that I can still make these goals happen. So, I am recommitting myself back to my list and back to making this happen.

Part of the reason that I really want to make these changes is because I am getting ever so close to being an official grown-up in my mind. I turn 24 in August, which for me has always been a special age. To me, 24 has always sounded so adult, like by that point in my life I would have a really clear path forward. I am not sure if by August I will have a really clear path but I will be beginning the last year of graduate school which means just a few short months until I graduate for the last time. (At least for the foreseeable future, I still have ultimate goals that include a PhD!) And by then I want to feel like I am really ready - mentally, emotionally, physically - to be finished with the academic portion of my life and into the career portion of my life.

So here is the official update on the resolutions:

1. Lose 20 Pounds . . . And Keep It Off for a Year
I am sitting at 142 right now. I imagine this number would be worse except I got a disgusting stomach flu last week and stopped eating for a few days and I have just recently got my appetite back to normal. I am really struggling to decide how to get back on the diet/exercise wagon. I am pretty good at motivating myself to exercise which I know accelerates my weight loss. This is helped by the cable TV at the gym and that I really love to lift weights. Also, I get such a feeling of accomplishment after a good workout that instantly feels good. What never feels instantly good to me is depriving myself of food.

I know that the best and fastest way for me to lose weight is to get my diet under control. But it is the area most difficult for me. I love food. I love sharing meals with people, I love cooking, I love talking about food, I love watching TV about food, I love planning what I am going to eat. I know this love of food originated from the fact that my mom is a really great cook and my family has always enjoyed eating and celebrating together. I know that I eat when I am happy (to celebrate), when I am bored (to do something), when I am sad (to fill me up), when I am stressed (to have control over something), and when I am showing off (I can eat inordinate amounts of food competitively). But despite knowing all this about my obsession (that was hard to admit) with food, I seem to be unable to curb my eating. Granted, I am not obese so clearly I am not an out of control eater. But, for me, I have such a hard time cutting myself off. I seem to be able to rationalize every scoop of ice cream, piece of bread, hunk of cheese.

This is how it goes in my head:

“I really should not eat ice cream tonight.”

“But this is coffee ice cream – it will keep me up to finish my homework.”

“That is silly, you should just have a cup of coffee.”

“But, I really do have a lot of homework to do. And I had a really stressful day.”

“Just one scoop won’t be a big deal.”

And so I have it. I seem to think that I am entitled to eat the ice cream because of how “stressful” my life is. But, considering the fact that I live by myself, don’t have a job, never worry about paying my bills (thanks federal loan money!), have everything I need and more, you would think I have it pretty easy. And in reality, you are right. I even know you are right.

All this said, I am really not looking forward to getting back on the South Beach Diet. I think it might be time to try a different approach, something that is focused more on cutting down food amount than just avoiding ‘bad’ and sticking to ‘good’. If you have any good ideas, please let me know!

2. Pray Everyday
I have been resorting to last minute nightly prayers before falling asleep. And despite how short and sweet they are, when I actually get through the full prayer before conking out I do notice a much more peaceful night of sleep and next morning. This past week I think that I have been really over caffeinating myself and have been having a really hard time falling to sleep. Not being able to sleep at night is rarely a problem for me and so I think what I am going to make myself do is get up instead of lying there and try to pray for longer. I am also going to institute a prayer list that will sit by my bed that will pick out specific things to pray for each night of the week.

3. Blog at least Once a Week
I think we all know how bad this one was. Apologies!

4. Stop Biting My Nails
This is still a problem. I ran out of time to get to the nail salon and treat myself to manicures so after I stopped biting my nails, they got long and gross and then I ended up biting them again. Vicious cycle. I am treating myself to a manicure on Monday afternoon after my last class for the year! Then I am challenging myself to make it through finals without biting my nails. (which has never ever happened).

5. Stop Cussing
This was the one resolution that I conquered pretty quickly. However, once I stopped making this a conscious choice I have definitely noticed some of these words coming back in. So, it is back to the original plan in January of really making myself slow down when talking and focus on putting together sentences that don’t need cuss words for emphasis. Just when you think you have something figured out – you slip!

6. Make One Frugal Decision a Week
I have spent a lot of money on clothes lately. I have a GAP credit card which lets me get free shipping and a pretty consistent 30% discount on everything. Which lets me rationalize buying new shirts on a fairly regular basis, without even taking the trip to the mall. I think cute new clothes make me feel better about the fact that I still have not lost the weight I wanted to. However, I feel that in other ways I have been making some good choices about expenses and trying to plan more effectively. I think my next obstacle is to hide my GAP credit card (and delete the cache on my browser which automatically remembers the number on gap.com).

7. Go on Dates
Bobby and I spent a totally amazing week in Rome over Spring Break. I literally packed to go in like 30 minutes because I was so busy with planning and executing a charity Silent Auction fundraiser the week before we left. But, it was awesome and the weather totally cooperated and all of our accommodations turned out great! It was so nice to have a whole week of Bobby all to myself and to be in such romantic city. We went to a lot of great museums, rode bikes on the Appia Antica, explored Pompeii and spent the afternoon in the Borghese Gardens. This week basically made up for all other weeks where we have not been able to take the time and go on a date. However, it is been a while since we got back and I think we need to reinstitute date night again.

8. Expand My Pallet
Hmmm. Still have made very little progress with this one. I doubt much progress will be made until after finals. So hopefully I will get started on this one in a couple of weeks.

9. Be More Emotionally Honest
I was super cranky this past weekend and it really reminded me that I had made a promise to get better at being able to tell those around me why I am upset and what is bothering me. And although I resorted to sending an apologetic/explanatory text, I did admit to some insecurities that I was having about major life decisions that are beginning to loom. Indecision often makes me act like a crazy person and thus cranky. But, I instead of letting myself be cranky for way longer, waiting for people to mind-read and fix things, I did finally communicate to those around me. The new system is way better for everyone but still something I would like to work on.

10. Be Available to Friends and Family

This is the only area where I feel like I have made some progress. There are some people that I have neglected a little bit and need to reach out to again. But, I think that I have been way better than I used to about picking up the phone calls and responding to emails, etc. I am hoping this summer to really get the chance to go out more on nights/weekends or take the time to have a long phone call.

So, time to get back to the grind. But, here is hoping my 10 in 10 gets back on track! Thanks for sticking with me and encouraging me despite my obvious failures. I am very blessed to have so many awesome people in my life.

Week 5 - Update

1. Lose 20 Pounds and Keep It Off for a Year
Bad week. Started with the Superbowl (I did make my own chicken wings and low-fat bean dip) and ended with a very stressful weekend of paper-writing in which I let myself indulge a little too much. I didn't eat anything that was very restricted, but I just ate a little too much. I did work out quite a bit which I think let me rationalize some of the extra stress-eating. I am going back to South Beach Phase 1 today. I am determined to lose at least 8 more pounds before leaving for Rome on March 13. 25 days and counting.

2. Pray Every Day
Fail.

3. Blog at least once a week
Fail.

4. Stop Biting My Nails
Fail. Bit them all off while trying to finish my final draft of my 56 page paper for the journal I am on. Stress kicked in and it was either eating the entire bag of dark chocolate dove squares Bobby bought for Valentines Day or biting my nails. My nails will grow back and I will start over. A giant bag of chocolate will haunt you until all of the foil wrappers are finally gone.

5. Stop Cussing
Fail. A frustrated ten minutes with a computer account I use for legal research and I believe that I said every cuss word that I could think of. Bobby literally got up to leave his ears were so offended. I was so frustrated and just plain angry at all the work I have piled up on myself. In the midst of changing my password 12 times on the stupid website I nearly ended up with the brilliant password of "F--kyouwestlaw". I thought it was clever at the time. Luckily, I finally outsmarted the system and changed it to something more PG.

Also, it's the Olympics now. So, I will probably get slightly heated and competitive while watching way tooo many competitions and say a few extra cuss words. Loving the Colbert Poster for the Olympics:

6. Make One Frugal Decision a Week
Total Fail. Bought three pairs of shoes, a new piece of luggage for Rome and a full price dress. I will need to eat beans this entire week to make up for it.

7. Go on Dates
Sort of Fail. We had a stay-in night where we did finally watch Paris Je T'aime, a movie that we have being renting and then never watching for at least two years now. We ate some prosciutto, cheese and wine and had a very nice evening.

8. Expand My Pallet
Fail. No time for rock climbing yet. Promise to get to this one soon.

9. Be More Emotionally Honest
Think I have been honest about my ridiculous stress level and general frustration with how crazy things are. If I had time to think about how I felt a little more then maybe I could come up some things to share.

10. Be available to Friends and Family
I have actually been fairly responsive to messages and phone calls despite wanting to throw my phone out a window and not respond to anyone. I even called up an old RHA friend, Mr. Gast, for an impromptu lunch when I actually had a free moment last week. Somehow I knew he probably needed to talk to someone who could understand the stress of law school applications, regional conferences, and being the RHA Director. It was good to catch up and remember the good old days.

Wish me luck during the next few weeks. I have: oral argument, moot court judging, Sandra Day O'Connor Tea, Women Law Student Silent Auction, Jurimetrics Recruitment, preparing for trip to Rome and then all the regular stuff like reading 100 pages a night. Can't wait to board my British Airways flight in just a few short weeks and take off for Italy.

Week 4 - Slight Delay

1. Lose 20 Pounds and Keep It Off for a Year
I decided not to weigh myself this week. I get discouraged easily with dieting and if I find that I am not making enough progress I have a habit of going and eating the largest cupcake I find. If all the dieting and self control is not paying off, then I figure one slip up won't make a big difference either. Then that slip up turns into a week of slip-ups and well you get the picture. So, I am waiting for another week before weighing in because I hope by then the numbers will be very encouraging. I have been getting to the gym very frequently and I am beginning to see a little extra definition (very minimal but there is this one muscle in my leg that has showed up again).

2. Pray Every Day
Trying to pray while I drive was not a good idea. First, despite my tinted windows I find that I am too self-conscious to talk out loud without a blue tooth device in my ear. Second, I am way too distracted (not from driving, from praying - luckily for everyone else on the road) to actually get any sort of real moment of clarity to concentrate. So while my prayer life still lagged this week, I did at least switch back to listening to worship music while driving. Ironically, I feel less self-concious about belting out hymns in the car (picture me singing "Nothin' but the blood of Jesus' at an intersection). I think because more people tend to sing in the car, you generally look less crazy than if you are straight up talking. So I feel like I did arrive to school and home feeling a lot more uplifted than usual. I like variety though and I am going to need to start downloading more music to keep my songs in rotation.

3. Blog at least once a week
Four days late. Crazy amounts of reading this week. I suggest you blame my Business Organizations Professor who enjoys giving quite long assignments and keeping you accountable for all the tiny, little details in all of the cases. As such I am just getting time now to blog. This time I will add pictures so you get a little more bang for your buck.

4. Stop Biting My Nails
Still doing okay with this one...sort of. This weekend my mom and I went and got our nails done and I loved the dark, shiny blue that I picked! Sadly, it chipped only three days after I got them done. Once my nail polish is chipped even on just one nail I think that it looks terrible! Because my manicure had ended its very short-lived life I started to scrape the polish off my nails with my teeth while in class. Not exactly biting, but still gross and still defeating the purpose of getting my hands away from my teeth! The blame here also falls to my Business Organizations professor who sort of terrifies me which makes me very nervous and fidgety. So, new rule: once my manicure looks crappy I need to immediately remove all nail polish so I don't pick at it. Slow progress here.

5. Stop Cussing
I feel pretty good about this one so far. I have effectively removed the F-word, S-word, and D-word from my language. There is the occasionally slip up when I get very passionate about something. Another bonus of this whole experiment with taking out the cussing is that I find myself slowing down my responses and answers. I take just a few extra mental moments before responding to doublecheck that I wasn't planning to say a cuss word. Additionally, I find myself crafting slightly more intelligent and rational statements. I hope that even if I can stop mentally censoring my cuss words I can continue mentally slowing down my words so that I may choose them more carefully in general. My current dilemma is with the word ass. I can't decide whether or not I consider this a cuss-word and whether or not I need to stop saying it. Most times I say the word I am calling something or someone 'bad-ass'. Or I am referring to something kicking my ass. Please weigh in on the comments regarding this word!

6. Make One Frugal Decision a Week
My frugal decision this past week was to book a cheaper hostel for part of Bobby and I's trip to Rome over spring break instead of spending the whole time in the nicer hotel. We will be staying in the Al Centro B&B for part of the trip. For anyone who has been to Rome you will see if you click on the website that this B&B really is central. We are so excited to be able to leave the hotel and be a hop, skip and a jump away from Piazza Navona, Campo di Fiori and the Pantheon. The frugal hostel is called the Lilliput and is closer to Termini train station. While we stay there we plan to head out of the city and go on some day trips to Pompeii and maybe another place known for very sweet white wine (my fave!).

7. Go on Dates
Bobby and I finally made some time to celebrate our three year anniversary and went out for a delicious steak dinner. I find dating anniversaries kind of funny because I always feel a little like I am in high school celebrating them for some reason. But I do think that it is pretty awesome that Bobby and I have been dating for three years now - both our longest relationships ever.

We each bought each other cards from the same brand this year. Not on purpose but after I gave mine to Bobby, he found the same brand and bought one for me too. (he gets that generally when I give people things it is because I really wanted to buy them for myself) I thought they were pretty funny cards. My said "Things Just Make Sense When You're Around" and then contained the disclaimer pictured above. Bobby's said, "With Each Passing Day You Grow More Beautiful" and then also contained a disclaimer. I know, very lawyerly, but I loved them!

I feel incredibly lucky that someone could still find me interesting and fun and attractive to be around after three years. Our relationship has definitely changed since we first started dating and played it totally casual by only ever texting each other - to now where we barely text because it seems so much easier to just call each other. We went through that awful stage where you start to realize that you may actually love this person and suddenly every moving, breathing human becomes a threat and you start to realize how disgustingly jealous you can be of each other. Then we reached that awesome blissful stage where we realized that both of us actually really care and don't want to mess up what we have. Now I feel like we are in that stage where we actually know each other so well that can anticipate each others needs and do our best to meet them.

I knew we hit that point in our relationship when we were in Rome and my purse was stolen. I was freaking out because I had lost 100 euro, a credit card, my prescription sunglasses, benedryl and my beloved leather Fossil purse. I was literally crying in the middle of the street behind the Pantheon, not sure what to do. But Bobby grabbed my hand, led me to an internet cafe and got me set up to cancel my card, email my parents for emergency funds and get some much needed time in some air conditioning. He left me there, I assumed to go look for the gypsy thief, but instead he returned with something better than my purse: an espresso granita with fresh whipped cream. Bobby knows me so well that he knows that the best thing for me to do in a crisis is to do something to fix it and then to eat something to feel better about it.

I can't wait to see what year 4 has in store for us. It's my lucky number and also the year I turn 24 which is the age that I have been looking forward to for as long as I can remember. Granted, when I was 8, I thought that at the age of 24 I would be a journalist for the New York Times. I think my 8-yr-old self would be sufficiently proud of me being in my second year of law school. I also think she would be very proud of my super handsome boyfriend. See:
8. Expand My Pallet
Still waiting on Bobby for my next challenge. Feel free to suggest things you think I should try next month in the comments. Most likely it is going to be rock climbing per Shannon's suggestion! I am actually quite excited about trying this! Hopefully we will get time to do this on the weekend and we will take some great photos of my climbing prowess (or likely lack thereof).

9. Be More Emotionally Honest
I think I did pretty good with this one. Booking our trip to Rome is a little stressful and always involves a little compromise as we try to figure the best way to make our dollar stretch and what we both want to get out of our trip. I was honest about the fact that while I love the architecture and the history I am mostly just excited about getting a week with no homework that I can spend with Bobby and the fact that it is in Rome just makes it all the better. Progress for me because normally I would tend to just agree that I couldn't wait to see every important wall in the entire city.

10. Be available to Friends and Family
I had lunch and manicure with my mom on Saturday and exchanged a few facebook messages and wall posts with friends. Took some time and watched a movie with another friend. Trying my best with this one even though sometimes I find myself really resisting "wasting" time on people. It's terrible but I still calculate cost/benefit to communicating with people when I am super busy with school.

Week 3 - Update 1

1. Lose 20 Pounds and Keep It Off for a Year
I have lost 5 pounds so far. I was definitely hoping to be a little bit further along this after 3 full weeks of dieting. However, I switched in to phase 2 of the South Beach Diet which always seems to give me problems. Also, I am having a hard time getting to cook all my meals with law school starting back up. Therefore, I resort to eating weird things, like poached eggs instead of dinner or just handfuls of turkey and a cheese stick. I think a major problem is what time I eat. I have been eating dinner around 9 or 10 o'clock because Bobby has been working really late nights. Most nights he doesn't get back to our side of town until 10 or 11 and try to wait as long as I can to eat dinner so I can eat with him. But I think it is bad for me to wait that long because while waiting I snack. I snack on things that I am allowed but I probably end up eating a lot more stuff than if I just ate dinner at a normal time and I had time to burn some of it off before I went to bed.

Last week I was succesful in making it to the gym three times though. I did the elliptical, bike and lifted weights and was definitely feeling the burn. I think this helped me justify the extra snacks, however, so I need to rethink when I am going to the gym and whether that really should allow me any extra food.

Goal this week: I would really like to lose another 3 pounds by this time next week. I plan to go back to phase 1 except for allowing myself one piece of fruit a day as my pre-workout snack. If I don't workout, then I don't get the fruit. Hopefully my going back to strict low-carb, low-fat, I will see a little more weight loss this coming week.

I also hit the point emotionally, which I do everytime I am on a diet, where I just kind of don't care anymore. I start to think about all the things that I am missing on my diet and my brain starts reminding me how vapid, shallow and vain my obsession with losing weight is. I am a smart, successful, driven and normally self-confident woman. It is almost antithetical to my personality to be this consumed with inches and pounds. I tried really hard to talk myself out of this mood and forced myself to go to the gym instead of moping. It sort of worked, but I have a feeling this mood will be creeping back in later this week.

2. Pray Every Day
I feel like a pretty big failure on this one too. With law school starting back up, I have found myself pushing this back to late at night again and falling asleep mid-prayer or making them very short and sweet so that I can get to bed. My plan this week is to pray twice a day -- when I drive to school and when I leave school. It takes roughly 17 minutes to school or back and most of the time I sit there thinking stupid thoughts about freshman drivers or what my plan for the day or evening is. Instead, I am going to put on a little worship music and try praying, with my eyes open so that I won't die in a fiery inferno crossing broadway. I'll let you know if it helps me become a less aggressive, pleasant driver.

3. Blog at least once a week
A few hours late on this one. I think I was embarrassed about not really doing to well with the weight loss and prayer this week and so the last thing I wanted to do was admit to the world that I had hit that wonderful resolution plateau where you get really sick of all the changes you are trying to implement. But alas, my mom wrote on my facebook wall and like remembering to pick up my wet towels off the floor when I lived at home, guilt set in and I finally succumbed.

4. Stop Biting My Nails
Again, doing okayish with this one. Back in class, which is where I always bit my nails to oblivion, I am now still putting my nails near my mouth and I find myself going to bite them and stopping just short of actually doing it. I am basically terrified in most of classes of being called on. Despite the fact that I do my reading and am at the top of my class, I have continual panic attacks during any class in which it is likely I could get called on. As such I am nervous and need something to do with my nervous energy. The last three semesters it has been biting my nails. Now, it is simply putting my nails near my mouth. Still gross, but making progress. Maybe I should try bringing a stress ball to class with me.

5. Stop Cussing
I am doing pretty good with this one. I am surprised how when you stop saying the words you aren't supposed to, they stop coming to mind. I did slip up today when I dropped a giant bag of groceries just as I came in my apartment door because I couldn't hold on to them anymore and my stupid lock is sticky and I was just plain annoyed. I dropped the f-bomb. Luckily no one else was around and I immediately felt terrible. Need to get that darn lock fixed because it seems to incite a lot of anger in me.

6. Make One Frugal Decision a Week
My frugal decision this week was to not purchase the grey version of a very cute sleeveless blouse that I already have in navy. Granted the first time I wore the navy blouse I got a ton of compliments and the grey one was equally cute. But it is a very specific style and if ruffles stop being in style then it would have been a wasted purchase. So reluctantly I left it to someone else to discover on the Gap sale rack.

7. Go on Dates
Bobby's aforementioned work schedule has limited this. It was our three year anniversary this weekend but we weren't really able to properly celebrate it. However, we are planning to make up for it this coming weekend. We do have a spring break trip to Rome coming up which I like to think is our real three year anniversary celebration and any dates that get delayed now will be made up for in our week in Italy in March!

8. Expand My Pallet
Waiting on Bobby for my next challenge. Feel free to suggest things you think I should try next month in the comments.

9. Be More Emotionally Honest
Still working on the idea I came up with last week about figuring out what I want. I haven't had much time this week to figure out what I want. I think getting more prayer time in is going to help me see what I want through God's eyes and according to His plan, which ultimately is the better way to think about my future.

10. Be available to Friends and Family
I tried to respond to all text messages to the best of my ability this week and pick up the phone when called. I think I was as available as anyone really needed me to be this week!

Week 2 - Update 1

1. Lose 20 Pounds . . . And Keep It Off for a Year
I have lost 3 pounds so far. I have not had any real moments of cheating other than a little piece of pita bread when I made delicious greek chicken and homemade tzatziki. I feel a lot better than I did just 9 days ago and can already feel that my middle area is getting a little lighter and tighter!

Hopefully I can keep it going!

2. Pray Every Day
I have started using A.W. Tozer's Pursuit of God book to help me get my thoughts ready for prayer. Also, after each chapter of the book there is a prayer written by Tozer which is very helpful when you, like me, feel your prayers are a little uneloquent. I haven't yet managed to get a really great prayer accomplished every day but I feel like it is becoming less foreign to me again. With school starting I am worried that this is going to become less of a priority as I go back to my routine of finishing and beginning my day with a textbook in my hands and head. Maybe I should be taking that religion and the constitution class after all?

3. Blog at least Once a Week
Again, I'm awesome at this one.

4. Stop Biting My Nails
So far so good. Only problem is that now my nails are starting to get longish and I keep scratching my face on accident when I try to push up my glasses or tuck my hair behind my ears. I am treating myself to a manicure tomorrow so I can get them trimmed up and looking nice for school starting on Monday!

5. Stop Cussing
This one has been the hardest because it is often a subconscious reaction to things I find funny or frustrating or painful. (like the scratching myself in the face with new long nails). But I think I am making progress because instead of just remembering after I say it, I am remembering as I say it. I currently am a half-cusser. I say a lot of shi-take and fu-dge. But I feel like I am getting there.

6. Make One Frugal Decision a Week
Not sure what that is going to be yet. I haven't made any spendy purchases this week but I also haven't really had a chance to be frugal.

7. Go on Dates
Bobby and I were supposed to go look at dogs at Petsmart on Saturday. We mutually rescheduled for Sunday after Bobby had to go into work and I needed to get some work on my draft. So on Sunday we went for a nice little afternoon date to Petsmart and the Scottsdale mall. At Petsmart the Humane Society only had two dogs but one of them was Bobby's dream dog. Kravitz, not a very cute name, was a very cute dog. He was a seven month old siberian husky mixed with a labrador. As soon as the Humane Society volunteers opened the door on his crate, he ran out jumped up and started licking Bobby's face. It was like a scene from a movie. So we played with Kravitz for just long enough to seriously consider how cruel it would to make him live in an apartment. And then we walked away and Bobby made this face:
8. Expand My Pallet
Since I only have to do one thing a month, I am okay on this one too. Bobby did make me eat a bite of his lunch that had olives in it but it was pretty well disguised by cheese and arugula so I couldn't really taste them. Phew. I really hate the taste of olives. We never ate them in my house growing up because my mom didn't like them either. Funny thing about that though is that my mom likes olives now. When she started liking them she said it was because she was officially old. I don't think she is old, but it does make me wonder how much stuff I can make myself learn to like.

9. Be More Emotionally Honest
I decided this week that part of being emotionally honest with other people starts with being emotionally honest with myself. My pastor has this saying that "What you know trumps what you feel." He applies this to mean that emotions can be tricky and fleeting so when you are feeling discouraged or feeling faithless you should remember what you know. You should remember that you know who you are in relation to God and that everything else you know and feel should sort itself out based on that. Therefore knowing who you are in relation to God is what keeps you even-keeled and allows you to weather any storm, no matter how emotional it gets. I think this is very good advice and I try to remind myself of it when I feel my emotions are getting the best of me. However, part of my problem is that I push feelings so far aside that I don't deal with what made me feel that way in the first place. So, I am practicing trying to ask myself what I want. Because what I want determines how I feel. (I realize that I sound incredibly Confucius-like and it is either because I am over-thinking this whole resolution or I have been watching too much of the old NBC show Life which features a cop who practices the art of zen) For example, if I am feeling disappointed about something it is because I wanted something that didn't happen. Or if I am feeling angry it is because something that I didn't want, happened. Therefore to understand and be honest about how I am feeling (angry, disappointed) then I need to know what I wanted (or didn't want). So, I am trying to figure out what I want. And that is a very hard question.

10. Be Available to Friends and Family
Sent some correspondence and a housewarming gift to one of my best friends who recently moved in with her boyfriend; called my mom; cleaned a friend who went away for winter break's apartment before she arrives home; and answered all phone calls (even the ones with mysterious numbers that I didn't know) today. For me, that is success.

The Scary Truth

I have always been scale-averse. Mostly because I felt like the numbers didn't really matter as long as I still fit into my jeans. However, I decided that part of the reason I end up putting back on weight after I lose it is because I can't see the little pounds creeping back on. I only notice something is wrong when I have to go back to my size 6 jeans (and by size 6, I mean Gap size 6 which is most other brands size 8 or 10).

So, I decided that this time around I need the numbers. Like any good academic I decided that I need all the numbers. After a little Amazon browsing and customer review reading I settled on a digital bathroom scale, a highly recommended body fat loss monitor and an easy-to-use measuring tape. Thanks to Amazon Prime they have all arrived and been used. These things are the fastest ticket to self-esteem loss. I have literally never been so upset about myself in my life. Here is a recap of my afternoon:

The Tape
The measuring tape wasn't too bad because I have nothing to compare against. (Except for Bobby who I convinced to let me measure his thighs to settle an age old debate about whose were bigger . . . thank god, Bobby's were. But by not a very slim margin.) After figuring out that I almost have man-sized thighs, I moved on to all the other vital stats:

• Neck ---- 12.75 in.
• Chest --- 38 in.
• Biceps --- 12.25 in. (why are these almost the same size as my neck? Is this normal?)
• Waist --- 31.25 in.
• Hips --- 42.50 in.
• Thigh --- 25.50 in.
• Calf --- 15 in. (again, should this be this big?)

After debating what my goals should be for this, I decided the best would be to look at the size charts for my favorite stores: Gap and JCrew. I also found some 'ideal/average' stats off of a questionable website that I believe was intended for men who wanted to become women.Based on these stats I should be size 12, and wear at least a large t-shirt. I am sitting right now in a pair of size 6 long and lean jeans from Gap and a small shirt from American Apparel. Go figure. So, my goal is going to based off of the Ideal measurements which would place me at somewhere between a size 4-6 at Gap and JCrew (at least on their charts!).

The Scale
In more bad news, my new scale is evil. I have not weighed myself on a scale since I was at my doctors office in August. I believe that it was somewhere around 140-142. The new scale has placed me at an exact 150 pounds. This thing reads in .2 pounds but for some reason I am exactly 150. I have never ever in my life imagined that I would weigh this much.

Also, this means that my drivers license could now officially qualify as a fake ID. My drivers license maintains that I am 5 ft. 1 in. and 110 pounds. This was true . . . when I was a 15 and 7 months old and getting my drivers permit. I am really quite ashamed of this number (the 150, not the glorious days of 110 that remain on my ID) but it is also fairly sobering that regardless of how I feel about it, I really need to get my weight under control to be healthy. So after feeling pretty miserable about this number, the UPS man dropped off the body fat loss monitor. Oh God.

Body Fat Loss Monitor
The description on this thing should have been my first clue: "The Omron HBF-306C Body Fat Analyzer measures your body fat with a gentle, micro electrical current -- don't worry, you won't feel it. The key to long-term exercise success is accurate body fat composition measurement."

Don't worry. I didn't feel it. I did feel the crushing weight of my BMI and body fat being calculated to show that I am on the high end of both. My BMI is 27.7 and my body fat is 32.8%. Here is why that is bad:
- The healthy range for my BMI is: 18.5 - 24.9
- The healthy range for my body fat is: 21.0 - 32.9

So my BMI is definitely too high and my body fat range is just barely within the correct range. Phew. My work is cut out for me. So is cheese.

My Verdict
I am finally facing the cold hard reality that I have major misconceptions about my level of health. I know that I don't do enough exercise and that I have a habit of eating more than I should. But, seeing numbers that basically scream that I am putting myself at risk for serious problems later in my life is a little scary. Part of the problem is that I am sooooo short. I feel like I have a serious disadvantage because in order to be squarely within my healthy BMI I need to be sitting at between 104 - 131 pounds. I will never every get back to under 115 without looking seriously skinny and the reason for that is that I have hips. You know, those things that get nice and wide so we can give birth to babies! Well, I have some pretty serious hips and they are made of BONE. I can't get that to go away. Grrr.
On the bright side, I am only 23 and I know that I have the time to fix my weight and gain control over my health before I get into dangerous territory. And if it means that I will get to go shopping at JCrew without fearing that nothing will fit me that might take some of the pain out of the brutal work ahead. Look forward to hopefully more cheery posts as these numbers start to go down...

Week 1 - Update 1

1. Lose 20 Pounds . . . and Keep it Off for the Year

So far, so good. I went on to Amazon and purchased an electronic bathroom scale and a body measuring tape. Once they arrive (thank you to the Cannavino Amazon Prime Account for the 2-day shipping!) I will post my initial statistics.

I’ve decided that my actual poundage weight is only minimally important to me in comparison to how skinny I can get my arms! For some reason my arms are thing I am most insecure about. I think this has to do with the fact that I live in Arizona and we rarely have them covered. It also has to do with the fact that the law school is located next the residence halls containing approximately 3000 freshman – most of whom are tiny little waiflike girls who only wear tank tops and strut by the law school every day.

Diet day 1 began with throwing away all remaining holiday junk food (cupcakes, potato chips, delicious crackers, full-fat cheese) and printing out my fat and skinny motivation pictures on my fridge.

The skinny pictures range from freshman year of undergrad to when I graduated undergrad, both of which have me looking very happy and very cute. My fat pictures are mostly from the last year when summer associate free lunches and law school stressing ganged up on my body.

2. Pray Everyday
This didn’t go as well the first day. I had planned to pray before I went to bed, but I also went for my first run (more of a slow jog/walk) in many months and so when my head hit the pillow, my prayer consisted of "Dear Heavenly Father, I know that it has been way too long ... forgive ... snooze.”

Fail.

New plan is that I am going old school James-style. (For those not up on their biblical lore, James, the half-brother of Jesus, was called Old-Camel knees because he was so dedicated to prayer that his knees were calloused from time spent in prayer--on his knees). Thus, I am going to try praying on my knees, away from my pillows.

3. Blog at least Once a Week

Done. I’m awesome!

4. Stop Biting My Nails

So far so good. I keep going to do it, but so far I can remember not to. But I am still on vacation from school. This one is going to be a real struggle as I start writing the next version of my journal paper (that starts later today BTW).

5. Stop Cussing

I slipped a few times yesterday, but I remembered after I did it every time that I was meant to say cuss. Or Bobby remembered and would subtly remind me that I screwed it up. One time he definitely tricked me into cussing. What a little cusser! Slowly but surely on this one.

6. Make One Frugal Decision a Week
I went online yesterday and found soooo much cute stuff on cb2.com, the new Crate and Barrel modern, yuppy design website. I added about $125 worth of stuff to my shopping cart. And then I clicked away. The trick is to not go back later this week and buy it all again. Those darn websites always seem to save your cart forever.

7. Go on Dates

Bobby and I have made a plan to go look at the puppies at Petsmart this weekend. Neither of our apartments or lifestyles would suit a puppy, but we both want one very badly. So to indulge our dog cravings we are going to go look (and we promise not to adopt one) at the rescued puppies. I promise to take pictures of how sad Bobby will look when we leave without one.

8. Expand My Pallet
Bobby decided that running outside was my first challenge.

I will freely admit that I did not do well with this. Aside from my general inability to run very far, I was decidedly negative and bitter during the entire experience. First, Bobby made us a run along the canal path. The path is unlit and I found it a little scary and cold. Then, my insecurities about the fact that I suck at running and that Bobby is good at it and likes to go running kicked in. So, I would say that I did not do to well with being open minded about the experience. But I think once I get my fitness level up a bit, I might be willing to try it again.

9. Be More Emotionally Honest

See above. I did talk to Bobby about my insecurity with running. It took me a long walk home to get the courage to talk about it. But I did. And then Bobby made me feel better about it. I am a lucky girl.

10. Be Available to Friends and Family

Umm... no one called me yesterday. So success on that one I think!